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WHAT A BiTCH! with ashleigh rose
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| WHAT A BiTCH: THiS iS A BiG ONE! |
[16 Dec 2006|12:45am] |
iNTRO: So today we've got a number of things to cover. First and foremost, obviously some rad tunes. Then we'll head over to some nifty quotes and then perhaps a bitch-a-thon. Scratch that. DEFiNiTELY a bitch-a-thon. Maybe even two. =]
RAD TUNES
BEFORE YOUR LOVE by KELLY CLARKSON
Never was a Kelly fan, but I really love this song. =]
HERE WiTH ME by MiCHELLE BRANCH
This has been one of my favorites for about six years. No kidding.
LiNGER by THE CRANBERRiES
A childhood favorite.
BiTCHiN' QUOTES:
"I really like your blog." -JONAH PEDERSEN
"It's really well-written... Like, the whole thing." -NiCOLE BAUM
"You're a bitch... And you're good at it!" -KEiTH ALLEN
"The Cookie Monster has bulemia nervousa. That's hi-larious." -ANTHONY TANG
Just had to give myself a few pats on the back, hah.
TODAY'S BiTCH: iN RESPONSE TO BMOC
According to BMOC's "Numbah Five," Bobby is still extremely obsessed with me. I mean, it's not hard to see why, but it's really starting to make me wonder about that kid. All of a sudden, he's comfortable joking with me, and constantly talks about me. It's crazy.
The response to his "BMOC'S Secrets," I have a few things to say. You're going to have to read it here to understand what I'm responding to.
-No, I don't steal Dan away. He chooses to come see me. He's seen you for 15 years already. Get over it. OKAY so that was mean. What I'm trying to say is I don't force him to hang out with me.
-I don't HAVE a job right now, so getting there without Dan wouldn't be an issue. When I did, it was usually my mother who drove me there, and Matt who picked me up. But I don't have that problem anymore.
-My mom is currently unemployed and taking online classes to renew her LPN liscence. So technically, she's always home.
-I charged my phone in her car. But then I got a new one.
-I showered at Laura Collins' house when my heat got shut off. I don't feel comfortable in anyone else's shower.
-And yes, Bobby, I know you love me. This was just meant to clear that up. =]
ULTiMATE BiTCH OF THE DAY: THE ANAL CANAL
Yesterday during 4th and 5th block, me and a group of Type 2 bitches were chillin' like we always do, having our daily session of girl-talk. One of the topics brought up was anal intercourse, better known as buttsex. Long story short, we concluded that any guy who ever tried it on any of us would get punched in the dick. That has got to be the most disgusting, repulsive fetish I have ever heard of. I don't understand the appeal of fucking an organ that people shit out of. I had a boyfriend once who constantly asked me if we could do it and seriously considered tattooing "Exit Only" on my ass if we ended up together (which we didn't, thank god). Can somebody please clue me in on this? I always thought that GAY guys liked buttsex. Like in Brokeback Mountain, after his little gay affair, he went back to his wife and all of a sudden wanted to fuck her in the ass all the time. So I'm assuming that my ex-boyfriend was gay, or at least bisexual. Nothing against homosexuality, just buttsex. I will never do it and if you do it, I don't want to know. But seriously, I'd like some feedback here. Do STRAIGHT guys want buttsex too? Or are the supposedly straight guys just covering up? Or maybe some people just like asses. SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME!!
WHAT'S THE DEAL, BiTCH!?
Let's start with last week's question, Where does my father live, and what does he do for a living? Almost all of you guessed right when you picked c) He lives in Florida and thinks he's a rock star. Yes, it's true. I was actually named after Axl Rose.
TODAY'S QUESTiON: ACTUALLY A POLL!
WHiCH PARTY GAME WOULD YOU ENjOY MOST?
a) Musical Couches - Like musical chairs... that don't move.
b) Twister Tournaments - Compete until only one team is left!
c) Pin the cat on the asshole - Pick the meanest person in the room and throw my cat at them.
d) Strip, you're it! - Like tag, but when tagged you take off an article of clothing before you chase.
e) Seven - Sort of like spin the bottle... sort of.
f) Normal games like Pictionary, Uno, and Scrabble - You better know how to play these.
This is a serious poll. I'm not fucking around. So VOTE. =]
BiTCH SAYS!
-L.Collins=Next best thing to divinity.
-She will be sending me a Wendy's burger via IM in a few minutes.
-I wouldn't mind a real burger, though.
-Now I'm hungry.
-Thanks a lot, Laura.
OUTRO: That's all for today's WHAT A BiTCH! I'm sure it wasn't as EXCiTiNG as other issues, but it was at least informative on some really big issues. To be honest, I'm pretty content with how things are going (besides the whole leg thing), so I'm gonna have to really look for things to bitch about in the future. I think that because I've been so good at it for so long, that now since I'm publicizing my bitchery, it's running thin. I'm working on it. Just do something to piss me off. It's not that hard.
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| WHAT A BiTCH: A BRiEF HiATUS |
[11 Dec 2006|08:53pm] |
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iNTRO: I apologize for that brief hiatus I took. I haven't been feeling too well lately and that has given me TONS to bitch about. Glad to be back; this should be a fun-filled issue!
BiTCHiN' TUNES
FLY BY NiGHT by RUSH
HEART OF THE SUNRiSE by YES
LiViN' ON A PRAYER by BON JOVi
THE SCiENTiST by COLDPLAY
QUOTEWORTHY
"And then my car started making this aweful Sara Grossman noise." -LAURA COLLiNS
"I can't let everybody else know about our love." -BOBBY MYERS
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -UNKNOWN "Untalented? I believe the correct term is no-talent ass clowns." -JENNA NECKONCHUK
TODAY'S BiTCH: ANTiBiOTiCS
Last Thursday, my throat was giving me some serious problems. All of a sudden, I couldn't sing or talk at all and I felt like there was a lump on my vocal cords. Very painful, to say the least. I went to the doctor that night and it turned out that my throat was inflamed (for the 27th time this year) and my doctor gave me an antibiotic. It's a different one than what I used to take (because last time I had some extremely unpleasant side effects). It smells like Pez and tastes like crap.
I was told to take two 500mg pills at the same time, with food. I took two pills that evening. At roughly 2am, I was walking back to my room with a glass of water. All of a sudden, my knees buckled and my hand started shaking so violently that I spilled my water all over the place. I army-crawled to my bed and then called my mom on her cel-phone (since I obviously could not climb two flights of stairs to her bedroom). She called a doctor and was told that taking both pills at the same time, plus taking my inhaler earlier that day caused my body some overload and I was feeling the effects.
Since Thursday, I've been taking one pill in the morning and one pill at night, with food, and have not touched my inhaler. Last night (Sunday), at about 2:30am, I suddenly felt like I was burning. Like kick off your blankets and remove all your clothes burning. But my room was pretty cold, and I checked my temp and it was 97.4, which is under normal. Then, I again started to shake violently. This time, we couldn't find a reason for it because I took my pills with food, seperately, and did not use my inhaler. I also temporarily lost sight in my right eye, and my eye actually felt sort of tingly or something.
I suppose violent convulsions and temporary blindness are just unpleasant side-effects of this particular antibiotic. But I guess it's better than shitting yourself to death.
ULTiMATE BiTCH OF THE DAY: BOBBY MYERS
You may know him as Bobby. Many of you blog-addicts may know him better as BMOC Bob. Some people even call him Butters (what the hell?). But no matter who he is to you, he will always be Bobby. Bobby has a strange obsession with me for reasons I cannot explain other than because I'm a hot piece of ass. First of all, he insists that I am having love affairs with every one of his friends, just because I'm friends with them. NOTE TO BOBBY: Just because I hang out with a guy doesn't mean I'm fucking him. Second, he is also madly in love with me. I mean, I don't blame him, but it is a little weird considering I'm dating HiS BROTHER. What the fuck. Bobby, I hate to disappoint you, but I just can't be with you. I hope you understand.
SUPER MEGA ULTiMATE BiTCH: CHORUS GiRLS
Here's the deal. I hate them. They are all incredibly immature and untalented. Each one of them thinks that they're the shit and the best singer in the chorus. They all feel the need to SCREAM everything so loud that I can't even hear myself, and for those of you who've heard me, I sing pretty fuckin' loud. After tonight, I have actually changed my mind completely about my entire future because of these girls. I wanted to be a chorus teacher. Well FUCK THAT. I do not have the patience to put up with 100 stupid, immature, untalented little girls. Not to mention, I'd be mean as hell. So my official new major will be Secondary English Education with a minor in Music Performance. That way I can still do what I love, still teach, and not have to deal with people who suck.
WHAT'S THE DEAL, BiTCH?
First, last week's question: What is my mother's name? The correct answer is Angela. Jeanette is her middle name and the other names have nothing to do with anything. Angela Cherubini. Literally means "angle little angle." Cute. TODAY'S QUESTiON:
WHERE DOES MY FATHER LiVE, AND WHAT DOES HE DO FOR A LiViNG? a) He lives at home with the rest of my family and works as a mortgage loan consultant for Commerce Bank.
b) He lives in Maple Shade and is the VP of sales at Arsenault Associates, a company that designs business software.
c) He lives in Florida and thinks he's a rockstar.
d) He is no longer living. Some of you guys definitely should know this. If you don't and you should, you're getting a swift kick in the crotch.
BiTCH SAYS:
-My throat is fucking killing me
-I want to kill the entire chorus
-The chorus killed my eardrums
-The world consists of one murder after another
-Eventually, everyone will be dead
-Then I will rule the earth =]
OUTRO: So that's it for today. I think this was a pretty long one. Keep on keepin' on, and comment so I know you're reading. Until next time, PEACE OUT NiGGA!
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| WHAT A BiTCH: i HATE BiTCHES! |
[05 Dec 2006|07:50pm] |
iNTRO: I am pleased to put out yet another edition of WHAT A BiTCH! Today we've got a lot of bitching to do, so we'd better get right to it. Onward, to bitchery at its finest!
BiTCHIN' QUOTES OF THE DAY:
"You've got a nice ass, you know that?" -DAN MYERS
Yeah, I do know that.
"I'm a universal remote." -ANTHONY TANG
Asians are good at everything. I'm a little jealous.
"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" -ERNEST GAiNES
I couldn't agree more.
LYRiCS OF THE DAY:
This is how it works/ you're young until you're not/ you love until you don't/ you try until you can't/ you laugh until you cry/ you cry until you laugh/ and everyone must breathe/ until their dying breath
REGiNA SPEKTOR: ON THE RADiO
Submitted by Krista!
TODAY'S BiTCH: OTHER BiTCHES
If there's one thing bitches hate more than anything in the entire world, it's other bitches. What we don't realize is that there are really two kinds of bitches in this world, and those two types need to be differentiated.
The first kind of bitch is choosey and only associates herself with certain people based on their qualities (usually qualities similar to her own) and their loyalty to the "head bitch." This kind of bitch treats everyone differently. Granted, she treats them all like shit, but on different levels depending on how much or how little she actually likes a person. This bitch also tends to hold grudges. This kind of bitch orders people around and expects nothing but the best, and always the best. This kind of bitch will throw a fit if she doesn't get what she wants, so she usually does get what she wants so that nobody has to hear her whine. Last but not least, this kind of bitch thinks she's Gods gift to earth, and doesn't see the reality that nobody except her small posse likes her at all.
The second kind of bitch is labeled a bitch because she speaks her mind. She has strong views and opinions and is not afraid to voice them. She is also choosey with the people she associates with, ie: she doesn't associate with Type One Bitch. She treats everyone with the same level of bitchiness whether she likes a person or not. The only difference between a person she likes and a person she doesn't like is that she does not laugh and joke with someone she doesn't like, and tends to ignore them at all costs rather than act rudely towards the person. This type of bitch has confidence in herself and is not afraid of verbal confrontations or battles of wits. She always has something to say, and she'll say it whether you like it or not.
So next time you think "Damn, she's a bitch," stop to think about what this article has to say and try to figure out what kind of bitch she is. Personally, I don't think Type Two Bitch should be labeled a bitch at all. Anyone has the right to speak their mind whether people like it or not. That's one of the few joys left of living in America.
ULTiMATE BiTCH OF THE DAY: PROFESSiONAL SPORTS
I think everyone who's reading this knows I am not a fan of professional sports. Never have been, never will be. Many people consider me deviant for feeling this way, and I'm not surprised. In a nation blindfolded by the absolute stupidity of something considered part of our culture, it is no shock that non-sports fans are considered deviants from the rest of society. But what's hard for sports fanatics to understand is reasons for disliking something that they themselves love unconditionally. Many simply aren't interested, some are unathletic, and some think sports are just plain stupid. Then there are those whose opinions are backed by education. These people, such as myself, dislike professional sports for an entirely different reason.
I will never understand why people get so hyped up over a football game. I will never understand why people actually cry or turn to violence when their favorite team loses. I honestly find it completely rediculous and unnecessary. But the thing that I will never understand most of all is why the hell these people get paid so much to do what they do. It takes the reality out of athletics. Seriously, benchwarmers in pro sports get paid way more than the average American, and FOR WHAT? I could even do that. It's not that difficult to sit on the sides and pretend you're paying attention.
But seriously, why DO they get paid so much? The difference between amateur and professional is money alone. Amateurs do what they do because they love doing it. Professionals do what they do because they get paid. And that is the number one reason why I dislike professional sports. High school students play for free, because they want to. Because they like to. Not because they're going to get handed a check at the end of a game.
WHAT'S THE DEAL, BiTCH?!
Let's start with Wednesday's question: Which of the following things is FALSE about me?
A) I'm allergic to Chapstick -This is true, I am, in fact, allergic to Chapstick.
B) I've kissed a girl -It was once and I was drunk.
C) I suffer from hyperhydrosis -If you guessed this, you're WRONG. I knew you would be, because, like, who the hell actually has that?
D) I hate wearing socks -On the contrary, I LOVE socks. I always wear them. This is obviously the right answer.
TODAY'S QUESTiON:
WHAT iS MY MOM'S NAME?
a) MARiA
b) JEANETTE
c) ANGELA
d) JENNiFER
e) SHARON
I don't expect you guys to actually know this one, but if you've been to my house and payed any attention, then you should know it anyway.
BiTCH SAYS:
-We finally have some lights up
-Just reindeer, though. Nothing special
-We still look Jewish compared to the rest of my street
-Speaking of Jewish people, I can name at least two that hate me
-The best part is, I could care less
-It actually makes me laugh a little
OUTRO: FYI, I totally want somebody to write me an article for my next WHAT A BiTCH! Peace out!
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| GRAND OPENiNG |
[30 Nov 2006|08:55pm] |
iNTRO: Aloha, and welcome to my very first edition of What A Bitch! I had originally started WAB on my Myspace blog, but I decided I wanted a separate version of it here on Livejournal so I have more of a chance to go in-depth with my articles. I hope you enjoy, and I hope you comment and/or add me so I know you're reading! Thanks! :)
QUOTES OF THE WEEK:
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters." -ALiCE THOMAS ELLiS
I have no idea what this quote is supposed to mean, but it's 100% true and I absolutely love it.
"There are lots of fish in the sea, but you're the only one i want to mount on my fireplace." -GRUMPiER OLD MEN
Wonderful.
LYRiCS OF THE WEEK:
I wish the world was flat like the old days/ Then I could travel just by folding a map/ No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways/ There'd be no distance that can hold us back
-DEATH CAB FOR CUTiE: THE NEW YEAR
You're here/ that's all I need to know
LES MiSERABLES: A LiTTLE FALL OF RAiN
DEFiNiTiON OF THE WEEK:
1. LOLLERCAUST.
Comedy on a massive scale; laughter that leaves six million dead.
Springtime for Hitler was a Lollercaust!
SOURCE: URBAN DiCTiONARY
TODAY'S BiTCH: HAPPY FUCKiN' HOLiDAYS
Now don't get me wrong on this one. I love the holidays just as much as the next person. I love the lights, the atmosphere, the music. I really do. What I don't love is how people feel the need to put up lights the day after Thanksgiving. It's even worse when they do it the day after Halloween. I hate when they start playing holiday music on the radio and in the mall on Black Friday. In fact, I hate Black Friday. I really don't understand why it's necessary to get into the season so early. FYi: iT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET. My mother wanted to put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving and I told her that all it's going to do is sit around and rot while we wait for Christmas to roll around next month. By the time Christmas finally gets here, we'll be bored of the music, the lights, the tree, the decoration, the spirit of the holidays altogether. At least wait until December to put your lights up. Those things are annoying as all hell.
ULTiMATE BiTCH OF THE WEEK: 12 YEAR OLDS WiTH MYSPACES
We've all seen them, little girls and boys who aren't even in high school yet, exploiting themselves all over the internet, lying to their parents about having a Myspace, and thinking that they're hot stuff when they're really just making complete jackasses of themselves. I hate it. The Myspace Terms Of Service clearly states that you must be at least sixteen years of age to legally have a Myspace. NEWSFLASH: If you are twelve then you are not sixteen! If you haven't seen it yet, you will soon. And when you do, you'll say, "Ha, what a bitch."
ULTiMATE MEGA BiTCH OF THE WEEK: THE 12 DAYS OF CHRiSTMAS
This song bugs the living hell out of me. Not because it's a Christmas song. Not because it's seven HOURS long. But because all of those gifts are FUCKiNG RETARDED. First of all, why the hell would you ever give your true love a bird for Christmas? If mine did, I'd punch him in the throat. And it wasn't just one bird in this case. It's a LOT of fucking birds, which I'll go more in depth about in a moment. Second of all, the only other gift on the list that makes any sense is five golden rings, and who really needs that many rings, right? But the worst part about this is that the gifts don't stop at that particular day. By this, I mean that on the second day of Christmas, you get the two turtle doves, plus ANOTHER partridge and ANOTHER pear tree. Let's take a look at each of these gifts in more detail.
DAY ONE: A PARTRiDGE iN A PEAR TREE: By the end of the song, you end up with twelve partridges and twelve pear trees. Who the hell needs that many pears?
DAY TWO: TWO TURTLE DOVES: By the end of the song, you end up with twenty-two of these little lovebirds, along with the twelve partridges and twelve pear trees.
DAY THREE: THREE FRENCH HENS: That's thirty French hens by the time your true love is finished. Breakfast in bed for the next ten years.
DAY FOUR: FOUR CALLiNG BiRDS: You mean thirty-six. Good thing you have twelve pear trees for these babies to perch in.
DAY FiVE: FiVE GOLD RiNGS: Forty! Forty gold rings! Just in case you lose the other thirty-nine! Or you can sell them on e-bay!
DAY SiX: SiX GEESE A LAYiNG: This is the big one. First of all, that's forty-two geese. And they're all laying eggs. Now suppose that hypothetically, each goose lays four eggs, and they all hatch. That's a hundred and sixty-eight baby geese, along with the forty-two parent geese. That makes a grand total of two hundred and ten geese. And a whole lot of goose shit in your yard.
DAY SEVEN: SEVEN SWANS A SWiMMiNG: Can forty-two swans fit in your pool? Probably not.
DAY EiGHT: EiGHT MAiDS A MiLKiNG: Forty maids, actually. And exactly what are they milking? Cows? Goats? Themselves? If it's cows, then that adds forty cows to list as well. I'm really hoping for the cows.
DAY NiNE: NiNE LADiES DANCiNG: Nine is fine. Nine ladies dancing won't take up that much space, but thirty-six of them sure will. You should probably use the e-bay money from those rings to build a fucking ballroom.
DAY TEN: TEN LORDS A LEAPiNG: Thirty men leaping every which way... in tights. Mmmmm.
DAY ELEVEN: ELEVEN PiPERS PiPiNG: Twenty-two men on woodwind instruments would sure give me a fucking headache, how about you?
DAY TWELVE: TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMiNG: Anybody have any Excedrin?
And the grand total of gifts you're getting this year, including the 40 supposed cows that the maids are a milking, the geese that started a hatching, the twenty-two woodwind instruments for the pipers, and all twelve drums for all twelve drummers is:
638 GiFTS. i HOPE YOU CAN SELL LiVESTOCK AND HUMANS ON E-BAY. MERRY FUCKiNG CHRiSTMAS!
WHAT'S THE DEAL, BiTCH?
Alright. So obviously, since you're reading this, you can definitely tell a bit of what kind of person I am. Here is the chance to find out things about me which you probably wouldn't be able to tell from reading. But here's the catch: you have to guess! :)
WHiCH OF THESE FACTS ABOUT ME iS FALSE
A) I'm allergic to Chapstick
B) I've kissed a girl
C) I suffer from hyperhydrosis
D) I hate wearing socks
The only way to figure this one out is by process of elimination. Good luck with this one, it's actually pretty difficult. I'll post the answer next time along with a new question.
BiTCH SAYS:
-Burt's Bees lip balm is the shiznit
-Spinach is delicious
-So are Honey Bunches of Oats
-Best cereal ever
-That and Waffle Crisp
OUTRO:
Well, thanks to everyone who actually read my first edition of What A Bitch. I hope you'll leave a comment so I know you stopped by, and I hope you continue to read my posts. Ciao!
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